Mike & Debbie

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband,
Mike, died suddenly.

According to his wishes, Debbie had his body
cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a
full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond
ring. She went into the living room, removed the
urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's
ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to
talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several
years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it
is, Mike. Do you like it?"

"And, Mike," she continued, "Do you remember, for
several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes?
You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?"

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes
into the air, "There's that blow job I was
promising you."

The Pope and Limo

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,

"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,

"They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed........

"All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked......

"Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

Chief:"Governor?"

Cop:"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"

Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Learn to Impress

How to impress a woman:

compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,

How to impress a man:

Show up naked!
Bring beer!

It's Nothing

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As
they are passing the elephant exhibit the
youngster looks over at the elephant. After a
few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks 'Dad,
what's that hanging down from the elephant?'

His father replies 'That's his trunk son.'

'No, no, Dad,' says the boy, 'at the back.'

'Oh, that's his tail' replies his father.

'No, Dad,' the boy says, 'Between his legs.'

The father looks over and replies 'That's his
penis, son.'

The young lad thinks about the answer for a
minute, and then says to his father 'Last week
Mommy told me that was nothing.'

'Well son,' replies his father, 'You have to
remember that your mother is a very spoiled
woman.'

The Engineers

There were three engineers in a car; an
electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a
Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car stops running and they pull off
to the side of the road wondering what could be
wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down
the electronics of the car and trying to trace
where a fault might have have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about
cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming
emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about
anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't
we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
and open all the windows and see if it works?

Christmas Presents

Bill, Bob and Bernie are discussing their
wives´Christmas presents.

This year, "I'm buying my wife a necklace and
a scarf. That way if she doesen't like the
necklace she can cover it with the scarf", says
Bill.

Bob Says "I'm getting mine a ring and a pair of
gloves. So if she doesn´t like the ring she can
cover it with the gloves".

Bernie says: "I'm buying my wife a hat and a
dildo, if she doesnt like the hat, she can go
fuck herself!"

The Blondes Fight Back

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What is the difference between a brunette and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

Don't Forget to Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You Die

A woman had died in January, but her bank had billed her for their annual service charges for February and March on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 but was now around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the bank

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she's dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

10 Husband Still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Poor Guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Things Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4 My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

ATR BUTTON

A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"

Think Fast

A man is driving home late one night and is
feeling quite aroused. As he is passing a
pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, "You know a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is
no one around here for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out
a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the
appropriate size hole in it, and begins to slake
his erotic desires.

Soon, he is really into it, and doesn't notice
the police car pulling up. The cop walks over
and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that
you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror and
then down at the pumpkin he is holding between
his hands. Thinking real fast, he says to the
cop, "A pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?"

Bottle & Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Under The Sea

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments. Here are some of them -- the funny ones. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years...

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7 )

The Rabbit

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says... (Are you ready for this?) "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Give It A Try

A guy walks into a bar with a pet
alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a
deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth
and place my genitals inside.  Then the
gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and
I'll remove my unit unscratched. In
return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The
man stood up on the bar, dropped his
pants, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed
his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on
the top of it's head.  The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was
delivered.

The man stood up again and made another
offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try".  A hush fell
over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back
of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke
up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

Innocent Look

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.

“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

New Minister

A newly qualified minister is apprenticed as curate to a parish in Billericay (in Essex, home of the Billericay Dicky of huge -er- renown), and he is told by the bishop to go out amongst the people in the streets in order that he can start his pastoral care with some knowledge of his parishioners.

The young man thinks this is a good idea and he walks down the main street of the town looking for people to talk with. The first person he meets is a young, attractive woman standing under a streetlight.

"Hello my dear, I'm your new minister. How are you?"

"Fine"

"Can I ask what you do?"

"Well, I'm in business, you know... for myself".

"And what is the nature of your business?"

"Er...I'm a performer".

"Ah, a thespian! And may I ask, how is business these days?"

"Great! In fact, if I had another pair of legs, I'd open in the West End!"

I am Married

A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover. Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife ? ?Honey, there?s a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife?. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye. After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too.

His son is in the kitchen and as he?s eating his huge breakfast the guy asks the son what all this is about.

Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she?s trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said ?get off me lady, I?m married?.

The Lawyer

One evening, after attending a Rave, two gentlemen were walking down the Moi Avenue, Nairobi, when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give Ksh2500.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer.” She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with Ksh1250.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other Ksh1250.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:

"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of Ksh2500.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only Ksh1250.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.

"Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from t he transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thus:

"Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options:

"Pay the Ksh1250.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote a cheque immediately!

Blonde Panting

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man"s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You"re finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that"s not a Porch, it"s a Ferrari."

Smell His Finger

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"

The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

Little Boy Over Pastor

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office you wanna show me the way to heaven the boy laugh"

Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. don't let the driver Insult you, You tell him off now – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

A Prostitute

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.'

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Funny Man

A Sardarji, a German and a Pakistani got Arrested consuming alcohol which Is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so For the terrible crime they are All sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was also led away whimpering loudly.

The Sardarji was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," Sardarji replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked. Sardar ji smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!

Sowo Oluwatobi T.

Crazy Guy

A crazy guy climb up into the top of coconut tree, people become panic knowing that the crazy guy will jump from the top, a police came.. and even doctor.. ambulance and relatives.. they are trying to convince the crazy guy to get down.. they realize that the man was desperately will jump.. the priest came on the scene... and put the sign of the cross.. suddenly the crazy guy get down on the coconut tree.. the priest ask? why did u get down..? a man replies.. you said " i will get down or you will cut the coconut tree"..