A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"
He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".
Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"
The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A River...
In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish, but it wasn't always called that. It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.
When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.
Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:
"Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.
"Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish."
When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.
Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:
"Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.
"Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish."
Our Crazy Language
An oldie, but favorite...
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Bad temper problem
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Dangers of Casual E-Mailing
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE...
When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Redneck Computer Glossary
"Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch long ways."
"digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch long ways."
"digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The United States will not set out to wind up Wayne Rooney in Group C's World Cup opener against England on Saturday, insists their manager Bob Bradle
Rooney's temperament was questioned after he was given a warning by referee Jeff Selogilwe after being booked in a warm-up victory over Platinum Stars.
But Bradley denied his team would target the striker in Rustenburg
"I'm asked this a lot and no we won't try and wind him up. We don't get into that sort of thing," said Bradley.
England and the US get their World Cup campaigns off and running with their match on Saturday evening, kick-off at 1930 BST.
And with Rooney, widely regarded as England's most important player, expected to lead the line in Rustenburg, questions have again been asked about the Manchester United star's ability to control his temper.
Phil McNulty Blog
If Rooney can blow up, however briefly, in a game of such minor significance, what might he be tempted to do when the World Cup is at stake?
The 24-year-old, sent off at the last World Cup in 2006 for stamping on Portugal's Ricardo Carvalho in their quarter-final tie, got involved in a needless spat with Platinum Stars' Kagiso Senamela during the 3-0 victory before being booked for dissent on Monday.
It prompted Selogilwe to note after the game: "I didn't expect a player like Rooney to insult the ref. If it happens in that way, you are not going to see Rooney in the World Cup."
Team-mates Rio Ferdinand and Jermain Defoe spoke out in defence of Rooney, the former insisting "Wayne's experienced now. His disciplinary record has been magnificent over the last couple of years," while Defoe referred to Rooney's temperament as "a good thing, if under control".
But there have still been suggestions that teams could look to target the England striker's temper in an effort to put him off his game or even get him sent off.
However, Bradley and US striker Landon Donovan refused to be drawn on the subject at a pre-match press conference.
"I have tremendous respect for Rooney and what he brings to England in so many ways," said Bradley. "His effort, his competitiveness, his movement, his influence on that team is great.
"But we won't try and wind him up."
We understand that when we all play as a team, when everyone is committed the right way, we can compete with the top teams
US coach Bob Bradley
Donovan added: "I think Rooney is going to be just fine."
The last time the two sides met was in an international at Wembley in October 2007, with England emerging 2-0 winners thanks to goals from Steven Gerrard and John Terry.
Bradley, however, believes his team have developed significantly since that match.
"Those kind of games provide good experiences although I don't believe we were overawed that night," he said. "We have grown as a team a lot since then. We have played a lot of top opponents and those kind of games continue to help us improve.
"There is a core of players that have been through all those experiences, including the Confederations Cup last summer and, from that point of view, I think our leadership is strong.
"Our ability to use those experiences, good ones, bad ones, knowing how to stick together, can stand us in good stead.
"We understand that when we all play as a team, when everyone is committed the right way, we can compete with the top teams."
But Bradley denied his team would target the striker in Rustenburg
"I'm asked this a lot and no we won't try and wind him up. We don't get into that sort of thing," said Bradley.
England and the US get their World Cup campaigns off and running with their match on Saturday evening, kick-off at 1930 BST.
And with Rooney, widely regarded as England's most important player, expected to lead the line in Rustenburg, questions have again been asked about the Manchester United star's ability to control his temper.
Phil McNulty Blog
If Rooney can blow up, however briefly, in a game of such minor significance, what might he be tempted to do when the World Cup is at stake?
The 24-year-old, sent off at the last World Cup in 2006 for stamping on Portugal's Ricardo Carvalho in their quarter-final tie, got involved in a needless spat with Platinum Stars' Kagiso Senamela during the 3-0 victory before being booked for dissent on Monday.
It prompted Selogilwe to note after the game: "I didn't expect a player like Rooney to insult the ref. If it happens in that way, you are not going to see Rooney in the World Cup."
Team-mates Rio Ferdinand and Jermain Defoe spoke out in defence of Rooney, the former insisting "Wayne's experienced now. His disciplinary record has been magnificent over the last couple of years," while Defoe referred to Rooney's temperament as "a good thing, if under control".
But there have still been suggestions that teams could look to target the England striker's temper in an effort to put him off his game or even get him sent off.
However, Bradley and US striker Landon Donovan refused to be drawn on the subject at a pre-match press conference.
"I have tremendous respect for Rooney and what he brings to England in so many ways," said Bradley. "His effort, his competitiveness, his movement, his influence on that team is great.
"But we won't try and wind him up."
We understand that when we all play as a team, when everyone is committed the right way, we can compete with the top teams
US coach Bob Bradley
Donovan added: "I think Rooney is going to be just fine."
The last time the two sides met was in an international at Wembley in October 2007, with England emerging 2-0 winners thanks to goals from Steven Gerrard and John Terry.
Bradley, however, believes his team have developed significantly since that match.
"Those kind of games provide good experiences although I don't believe we were overawed that night," he said. "We have grown as a team a lot since then. We have played a lot of top opponents and those kind of games continue to help us improve.
"There is a core of players that have been through all those experiences, including the Confederations Cup last summer and, from that point of view, I think our leadership is strong.
"Our ability to use those experiences, good ones, bad ones, knowing how to stick together, can stand us in good stead.
"We understand that when we all play as a team, when everyone is committed the right way, we can compete with the top teams."
Ponderings
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Beard
When a young announcer was raising funds on a local public television station, a woman called in and told the volunteer operator she would donate a hundred dollars if the announcer would shave off his beard.
He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shaven.
The following day, the check arrived from his mother.
He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shaven.
The following day, the check arrived from his mother.
Wedding Advice
At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I who had been.
The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."
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