Bill was having a really bad day on the golf course. Right around the 14th hole, it seems he had missed one putt too many. He let loose with a fairly impressive string of profanities, grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward the lake by the 15th tee.
"Uh-oh," said his caddie to one of his playing partners, "There goes that club."
"You think so?" said his partner. "I've got five bucks says he misses the water!"
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Captain
A captain of a Scottish regiment barges into a
chemist's. He's in full regalia: kilt, waistcoat,
tam o'shanter, leggings. He marches up to the
counter and plops down a very bedraggled sheepskin
condom.
"How much fer a new one?" he demands.
The chemist pokes at it and says, "Four pounds."
The captain frowns. "How much to repair it?"
The chemist thinks. "Two pounds."
The captain says, "I'll be back," and marches out
of the store.
An hour later he barges back in and says: "The
lads of the regiment have voted for a new one."
chemist's. He's in full regalia: kilt, waistcoat,
tam o'shanter, leggings. He marches up to the
counter and plops down a very bedraggled sheepskin
condom.
"How much fer a new one?" he demands.
The chemist pokes at it and says, "Four pounds."
The captain frowns. "How much to repair it?"
The chemist thinks. "Two pounds."
The captain says, "I'll be back," and marches out
of the store.
An hour later he barges back in and says: "The
lads of the regiment have voted for a new one."
Saturday, May 8, 2010
my ass is still sore
Little Jonny gets home from school on day, barges
through the door and shouts "Mommy! Mommy! I had
sex with my teacher." "Oh Jonny! That's
disgusting! Go to your room and wait until your
father has a word with you."
Three hours later, Jonny's father comes through
the door. He doesn't seem unhappy, but pleasantly
surprised. His father has a beaming look on his
face. "Son, I heard what you did today and well,
I'm damn proud of you son. When I was your age,
I fucked my teacher crazy, and let me tell ya,
she was a real hottie. Because you have fucked
your teacher, I decided to buy you that two
thousand dollar bike that you wanted. Why don't
you come down to the garage and I'll show you
your new bike," the father prompted. "By the
way, don't tell your mother about this."
They go down to the garage, and sure enough,
there was a beautiful new bike. "Dad," the boy
shouts "I don't know what to say. I thought you
were going to be pissed at me. How can I ever
thank you?" Son, all you have to do is show me
how much you enjoy it. Now go on and ride it for
me."
"Dad, thanks a lot," said the boy, "but do you
think I can do this tomorrow, my ass is still
sore!"
through the door and shouts "Mommy! Mommy! I had
sex with my teacher." "Oh Jonny! That's
disgusting! Go to your room and wait until your
father has a word with you."
Three hours later, Jonny's father comes through
the door. He doesn't seem unhappy, but pleasantly
surprised. His father has a beaming look on his
face. "Son, I heard what you did today and well,
I'm damn proud of you son. When I was your age,
I fucked my teacher crazy, and let me tell ya,
she was a real hottie. Because you have fucked
your teacher, I decided to buy you that two
thousand dollar bike that you wanted. Why don't
you come down to the garage and I'll show you
your new bike," the father prompted. "By the
way, don't tell your mother about this."
They go down to the garage, and sure enough,
there was a beautiful new bike. "Dad," the boy
shouts "I don't know what to say. I thought you
were going to be pissed at me. How can I ever
thank you?" Son, all you have to do is show me
how much you enjoy it. Now go on and ride it for
me."
"Dad, thanks a lot," said the boy, "but do you
think I can do this tomorrow, my ass is still
sore!"
Find Jesus
A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Friday, May 7, 2010
Random Thoughts from a Woman
1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS.
4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."
15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
t doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
Monday, May 3, 2010
Flight Museum
At the boeing museum of flight in seattle,dere is a full size mockup of a F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of wat the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in. When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane,he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said,"Gramma, could i have a quarter ?"
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